Monday, August 30, 2010

30 Days Of Truth - Day 9

Day 9 - Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.

Well.. this one is easy!!   Ok, ok, so I know I have been a slacker lately.. it's been a while since I've posted.  I've just gotten really busy with.... well... life!  So anyways... here it goes.

The one person I didn't want to let go was my best friend Stephanie.  We met the first day of kindergarten and were inseprable ever since.  Well when I was in 6th grade her dad got a job and she had to move.. it was only an hour away so it's not like we would never be able to see each other again...

Well.. I was wrong.  We went to different schools, we didn't see each other anymore, and after a while I forgot about her, and she probably forgot about me.  We stopped talking.. there was no fight, and there was no reason that we stopped talking other than the fact that we just did...

Well  a few months ago I found her on facebook.... and she ended up flying here to be a bridesmaid in my wedding... and when she got here... we picked up where we left off in 6th grade.  It's like we were never apart.  We talked for hours and just did our thing like nothing ever happened!

I'm going to make sure now that we keep in contact... I'll never forget that day on the bus the first day of kindergarten.  We were headed home and she was crying because she thought the bus driver didn't know where she lived and she would never get home... I sat next to her and made her feel better....there's a connection between us that will never die... I love her.

Friday, August 20, 2010


Wow.. so I've had quite the week... My daughter is having some serious issues.  I think it's all rooting from the fact that her dad just up and left and has had no contact for 2 months now.   She is having some serious temper tantrums...I mean these are no normal tantrums either... they're pretty bad and last for hours upon hours....  the longest lasted I believe 6 hours.. non stop until she fell asleep.

I'm not quite sure what to do about it anymore.. I've tried everything I can think of.. and I mean they are pretty bad.  I'm almost ready to get her some extra help.  I can get some free counseling through my work, and maybe if we did some family counseling that would help.

The other thing that isn't making matters any better is my step dad is in the hospital.  He has had some serious abdominal pain for the past 2 weeks... he hasn't eaten in a week because he can't keep anything down....his belly is seriously swollen.... and they're afraid his colon is going to burst because of the pressure.  They don't know what's wrong with him.. he's even had a few doctors come in asking him questions about it to learn more about what's going on with him.   It's kinda scary when a specialist has no clue what's wrong.

So as you can see I've been pretty stressed as well as my daughter, so that makes everything worse...I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore....

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

My New Challenge...

Ok, so I've decided to take on another challenge.... like I don't already have enough on my plate...

I've decided to read the Bible.. the whole thing.  Well.. listen to it at least.  I've been listening to an Audio bible while I'm at work instead of music. The only books I read at home are school books!   I started doing it a little while back but then never finished, I got to Leviticus and then stopped for some reason.  I hear that Leviticus is where a lot of people get discouraged because there's no real story to it.  It's a bunch of rules (that don't really apply anymore if you believe in the new testament) about sacrifices and all that.

So I picked up where I left off.. I started in Leviticus yesterday.  I made it through, and today I've started on Numbers.  Right Now I"m on Chapter 23 I plan to finish Numbers today and hopefully at least start on Deuteronomy.  


Well here I am at the beginning of my journey.  Many people start this journey with good intentions, however only a few actually succeed.  Please join me in this challenge and journey to read the entire bible.  Some move slower, and others will move faster.  Whatever your pace may be please feel free to share your thoughts and reflections.. I sure will!


30 Days of Truth - Day 8

Day 8 - Someone who made your life hell.

Ok.. so this one is fairly easy.

There are/were 2 people in my life that made it difficult....Person number one.. Her name was Katrina.  She picked on me in high school.  I dreaded going to school every day because of her.  She decided that she was going to call me roach one day, and continued doing it throughout the school year.  She wrote in permanent marker on my locker ROACH... and filled my locker with shaving cream.  She threw pennies at my head...she found at least one thing about me every single day to make fun of .... one day I just couldn't take it anymore and we got into a fight.

Ok, now although I thought she was the devil at the time.... now that I look back on it, it really wasn't that bad. Yeah she did some mean and nasty things...teenage girls are really bad!  But hey it was for one year, and I haven't seen her since.

Person number 2.... My daughter's dad. I know this is really bad... but he is the only person I've ever truly hated in my entire life...  I left him 4 years ago.... we're STILL going to court to play his dumb games.  He fights me every step of the way on custody (even though I've already been awarded full physical and legal custody) but everyone knows he really doesn't care about seeing his daughter.  He's been out of state for almost 2 months now.  He hasn't called her or anything.  If he really cared about his kid he would stop chasing girls like a teenage boy and pay attention to her.

He hurts her...not physically, but emotionally he does, and watching that happen, and not being able to do anything about it... hurts me.  He threatens to call child services on me because apparently I'm an abusive mother (trust me.. I'm not)  Yes... I discipline my child, I want her to grow up with manners, and to act right.  I barely ever spank her.... only when I feel it's necessary.... Him on the other hand... he does nothing. There is no discipline when she goes to his house. No wonder he thinks I'm an abusive mother....I actually discipline my child.  I'm sorry... I'm definitely guilty.. take me to jail.. I discipline my child.

Oh and just wait until he gets wind of her calling my husband daddy....that's going to be a fun conversation to hear.... when I say conversation I mean him yelling at me and cussing me out.  It's not my fault that he abandoned his daughter, and she gave up on hoping that he would come back. It's not my fault that she wants a stable father figure in her life.  It's not my fault that her dad wants nothing to do with her....but it does hurt.

Now, to many people...all this may not seem bad enough for me to actually hate someone.. you're right it's not.  I would also like to inform you that he used to abuse me...still does in a way.   He choked me until I passed out when I was pregnant with my daughter, he would hit me, kick me, push me... you name it.. he did it.  Now, physical abuse I can handle.. bumps and bruises go away.  Yes, it hurts, but the pain eventually goes away.  It's the emotional abuse that really got to me.

Emotional scars are hard to get rid of.. and sometimes never go away.  I still carry many of mine, and sometimes they affect my marriage now.  I have the perfect marriage, I love my husband to death and he would never lay a hand on me or say a hurtful word.  But sometimes the scars that Jeff left behind affect what I do and say.  There are times I am very insecure about myself and about my husband.  I know...more than I know anything else in the world that he loves me and he wouldn't even look at another woman... but because of what Jeff did to me, every time he goes out with the guys or goes on an overnight for work I can't help but think... is he cheating on me?  Am I pretty enough for him? Am I good enough for him?  Maybe he found someone better than me?  Most times I believe that almost anyone could be better than me.  MY self esteem has been stripped down and stomped on so many times, and it's hard to build it back up again.

We're working on it though.  He always reassures me that I'm the most beautiful woman in the world and he loves me and only me.  He doesn't even have the desire to look at anyone else.

Ok, I know this is getting a little long, and I'm probably just rambling at this point.  The answer to the question of the day in a few words.. Jeff seriously messed up my life... Katrina...just prepared me for Jeff.  Someday I'll get over it all, and look back and think.... eh that wasn't so bad....

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Guest Post - Baby Sign Language

10 Tips To Get Started With Baby Sign Language 

Baby Sign Language  is so much fun, it’s completely free – and it works! It’s also real easy to get started. The sooner you start signing to your baby, the sooner he will begin to communicate back to you. You can start at any time, even from birth. Read on for the top ten tips to get started with baby sign language...

1. Start off with signs that are interesting to babies. Words that represent food, drink, or people, such as Mommy and Daddy, are great starter signs. 
2. Repetition. Make the sign every time you say the relevant word to your baby. It’s important to say the word that goes with the sign clearly, with good eye contact, while pointing to the thing or person you are describing. 
3. Be alert. At first, sign when baby is alert and not fussing. He won’t enjoy it if he’s tired – and neither will you. 
4. Practice the signs beforehand so you feel confident and clear about what you are doing. Get flash cards or a handy wall-chart so you know how to make the signs correctly. 
5. Repetition is the key to baby sign language. Be sure to make the sign and say the word every time you do an action or use an object. Your baby will learn the signs through repetition (and so will you), and it will be natural for him to eventually sign back. 
6. Be Patient. Don’t expect too much too soon. Your baby is unlikely to be signing for his milk if he is only 4 months old and you’ve been signing to him for just a week! A typical baby who starts learning signs at seven months old needs about two months of repetition and exposure to a sign to start using it.
7. Remember - signing to your baby helps with bonding. Baby signing is a two-way activity, encouraging communication from baby to parent and back again. Mothers who sign with their babies often feel closer to them, noticing and appreciating their efforts at communication earlier than non-signing moms.
8. Dads can do it too. Often dads feel left out when bringing up a young baby, especially if Mom is breastfeeding. Signing is something baby and daddy can do together, creating a special bond.
9. Have fun. So much of parenting these days is just plain hard work. Baby signing is fun – and that’s one of the reasons it works so well. At first your baby will just look at you making signs and may even smile or laugh. You may feel silly too. This is good for you and for baby. Have lots of fun.
10. Don’t take it too seriously. If it’s not working for you, try something else. Or come back to it in a few months. It’s never too late to take up signing with your baby or toddler. But if it’s not for you, don’t stress it. 

For more information on how you can get started with
Baby Sign Language 
 visit the site. There are a ton of FREE resources to get you and your baby signing in no time.

Monday, August 9, 2010

30 Days of Truth - Day 6

Day 6 - Something you hope you never have to do

Ok, so I've been lazy and haven't posted on this in a while, so here we go.   Something I hope I never have to do... well there's lots of things.  I think the most important thing being is that I hope I never have to bury my child.   I went through this when I was younger (kind of)  Number one.. my brother died when he was 16... I can't imagine how my mom did it.  To bury her own child.  Of course, I had to be strong for her, because I knew that losing a brother wasn't as bad as losing a child.  There is some inexplicable bond between a mother and a child... it's always there, and it never goes away.

Number 2, I had a son when I was 17, and put him up for adoption.  It was the hardest thing I had to do in my life.  But I knew that I couldn't give him the life he deserved, so I gave him to a loving family.   

Giving up a son through adoption is hard enough... you know that the child is ok.. you know that he is happier there than he would be with you... why is it so hard to realize that a child will be happier in heaven than with you?  I'm not sure... I know that ultimately heaven is the best place to be, but giving up my daughter is the last thing I want to do.

I hope I never have to bury my daughter... I want her to live well past me, and experience all the good things in life.  Yes.. like every other mother in the world.. I want my daughter to experience all the good things, and live a long happy life!

The Weekend

Ok, I know, I know, I haven't posted in a while.  Life got in the way!   Also, I've figured out that it's pretty much impossible to blog on the weekend.  WAY too much stuff going on!

So friday, we had some of the neighborhood kids over for a swim party, and only one was supposed to spend the night... well of course the other one caught wind of it, so I ended up having 2 little girls.. plus my daughter sleeping on my living room floor that night.  Apparently they go thungry in the middle of the night, because when I woke up in the morning, there were 3 little yogurt cups... 2 on the table, and one on the floor... and yogurt all over the carpet!!   Hubby made pancakes the next morning.. which I didn't eat... not that big of a fan of pancakes... too sweet for me!

I usually post at work, and then plan to post pics sometime when I'm at home.. yeah never happens either. Someday, I will update my blog with many many pics!!

Pretty much we did nothing on saturday except for be lazy bums.   Me and hubby didn't end up getting to bed until about 1:30AM friday.. so we were bone tired! Saturday was a lazy do nothing day! Sunday.. more of the same, except hubby cooked steaks on the grill...yummy!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

30 Days of Truth - Day 5

DAY 5 - Something you hope to do in your life.

Well.. this one is much easier than the past few days!  I can name a bunch of things I would like to do in my life!

Well first of all I would like to grow closer to the Lord.  I want to make a commitment to read my bible every single day.. and stick to it.  I want to study his word and understand the messages he is sending me.  I want to live my entire life the way he intended me to.

 I would like to watch my daughter grow up.  I want to help her along the way... teach her to ride a bike, teach her how to cook, help her with her science fair projects, meet her first boyfriend, hold her when she cries over a broken plan her wedding, see her get married.. meet my grandchildren, and then start all over!

I would also like to grow old with my husband.  I want to love him until the end of time.  I want to make him happier than he ever knew he could be.  I want to take care of him when he's sick, and I want to be taken care of by him.    He is my protector, my leader and my friend.  I will love him forever, and I want our happiness to last a lifetime...

Lastly, I want to be the best person I can be, I want to make a difference in someone's life.  I want to be that one person that someone remembers forever because I had such a big impact on their life.  I want to inspire someone to do something great. I want to be a role model. I want to be there at just the right time, and say just the right things....  I want to change a life!

This only touches on some of the things I want to do with my life.  I believe that I was put on this earth for a specific purpose.  God is letting me know that purpose one piece at a time.  I intend to fully accomplish what he has planned for me here, and the reason he allowed me to live this wonderful life!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

30 Days of Truth - Day 4

Day 4 - Something you have to forgive someone for.

Ok...well this one is a little easier to do.  Now, I am taking this challenge very seriously.  I plan to tell the truth 100% of the way.  I am doing this more for myself than I am for my readers.  Now, with that being said here is my answer....

I can honestly say that I do not have anything that I need to forgive anyone for.   This kind of ties in with my last post about my brother.  Ever since the day that he died, I learned not to hold grudges, not to say anything that I don't mean about someone, and to treat every day like it's the last.  I don't want anyone to leave this world and leave me behind with regrets....

It's not my place to judge people.   I believe that everything happens for a reason, good, bad or indifferent.  It's all in God's plan for us.  When someone offends me, I tend to look deeper to see what God has in store for me next....I live my life striving to be like the Lord.  If God forgives.. so do I.

Don't get me wrong, I get angry with people and sometimes do say things that I do not mean, however I generally apologize within a day, and generally don't have to forgive anyone... they are forgiven the minute they offend me.

Now, I do have one exception.  There is one person in my life who I am continually angry with...that would be my ex-husband... my daughters dad. 

I wouldn't necessarily say that I need to forgive him....he's already forgiven.  However he is continually making me mad.. either because he's hurting my daughter in some way shape or form, or hurting me.  I came out of a very abusive relationship with him.... which he's forgiven for.  However, the abuse hasn't stopped.  He's continually telling me that I'm a bad mother, and that he's going to call child services on me (because supposedly I beat my daughter....right.... just because I discipline her, and he doesn't, doesn't mean I'm abusing her... she VERY rarely even gets a spanking!!) He's constantly calling me up to yell at me... he's still trying to control me like he did when we were drives me nuts!!

Well anyways, I can honestly say that I hold no grudges, and I have no one to forgive... and yes I pat myself on the back for that one... who wouldn't???

Monday, August 2, 2010

30 Days of Truth - Day 3

Day 3 - Something you have to forgive yourself for

Yikes!!   It's getting harder and harder every day!!  I'm beginning that this wan't such a good idea to start... do I really want to be publishing this on the internet for all to see???  Let alone admit it to myself!  This is harder than I thought it would be.  Oh well.. it's good for me anyways!

Ok.. here we go...something I have to forgive myself for. Well, I can think of 2 things right now....but they kinda tie in with one another.    In my younger days.. I wasn't the best child... in fact I was one of the worst.  Constantly running away from home, into drugs, I was more than disrespectful to my parents.  I'm pretty sure they wanted to get rid of me a few times...

Anyways, I'm pretty sure my mom has forgiven me for what I've done in the past.. heck she's my best friend now!  But I still haven't forgiven myself for treating my mom like I did.  For putting her through everything I did.  Now that I have a child of my own, I know exactly how she felt.  What if my daugher just disappeared for a few days??  I lost her in church once and I freaked out.. and that's CHURCH!!!!  Not the big bad world!!!!

Anyways I'm constantly thinking about the way I've treated her, and how I made her feel.  I just can't get over the fact that I could do that to my own mother.

My other thing that I have to forgive myself for is my brother... He was killed at the age of 16 in a car accident.   Most of the time I didn't treat him well either.  I was always picking on him... fighting with him, and whatever.  

When I was 17 my parents sent me to a residential treatment facility.  My brother was killed a year later.. I was still there.  Since that day I always thought that If I hadn't been such a screw up I could have been there.. I should have been the big sister protecting my baby brother...but I wasn't.  I should have treated him better, because now I can never say I'm sorry, or I love you....I know now that this wasn't my fault, and logic tells me that I shouldn't feel this way.  But I can't help it.. it's my baby brother, and I couldn't protect him.  I think that is the biggest thing that I need to forgive myself for,but I can't seem to figure out how. 

Tommy... My brother a week before he died...

Cross by the Tree where he died...
"I am the Resurrection and the life saith the Lord, he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live. And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die..."
John 11:25-26

I love you baby brother.. you will never be forgotten!

Ok.. now that I have a pile of tissues next to me.. I think I"m done with that one!   I hope tomorrow's is a little easier on me!