Monday, August 2, 2010

30 Days of Truth - Day 3

Day 3 - Something you have to forgive yourself for

Yikes!!   It's getting harder and harder every day!!  I'm beginning that this wan't such a good idea to start... do I really want to be publishing this on the internet for all to see???  Let alone admit it to myself!  This is harder than I thought it would be.  Oh well.. it's good for me anyways!

Ok.. here we go...something I have to forgive myself for. Well, I can think of 2 things right now....but they kinda tie in with one another.    In my younger days.. I wasn't the best child... in fact I was one of the worst.  Constantly running away from home, into drugs, I was more than disrespectful to my parents.  I'm pretty sure they wanted to get rid of me a few times...

Anyways, I'm pretty sure my mom has forgiven me for what I've done in the past.. heck she's my best friend now!  But I still haven't forgiven myself for treating my mom like I did.  For putting her through everything I did.  Now that I have a child of my own, I know exactly how she felt.  What if my daugher just disappeared for a few days??  I lost her in church once and I freaked out.. and that's CHURCH!!!!  Not the big bad world!!!!

Anyways I'm constantly thinking about the way I've treated her, and how I made her feel.  I just can't get over the fact that I could do that to my own mother.

My other thing that I have to forgive myself for is my brother... He was killed at the age of 16 in a car accident.   Most of the time I didn't treat him well either.  I was always picking on him... fighting with him, and whatever.  

When I was 17 my parents sent me to a residential treatment facility.  My brother was killed a year later.. I was still there.  Since that day I always thought that If I hadn't been such a screw up I could have been there.. I should have been the big sister protecting my baby brother...but I wasn't.  I should have treated him better, because now I can never say I'm sorry, or I love you....I know now that this wasn't my fault, and logic tells me that I shouldn't feel this way.  But I can't help it.. it's my baby brother, and I couldn't protect him.  I think that is the biggest thing that I need to forgive myself for,but I can't seem to figure out how. 

Tommy... My brother a week before he died...

Cross by the Tree where he died...
"I am the Resurrection and the life saith the Lord, he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live. And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die..."
John 11:25-26

I love you baby brother.. you will never be forgotten!

Ok.. now that I have a pile of tissues next to me.. I think I"m done with that one!   I hope tomorrow's is a little easier on me!


Mass Hole Mommy said...

Hi there! I'm your newest follower!

Reluctant Writer said...

I applaud you for being so honest with yourself and sharing it here. I wish you best in the personal challenge. Im your newest follower.

I am Harriet said...

Stopping by from Follow Me Back Tuesday.
Have a great day!

Just Me said...

I've learned a few things in my much longer life than yours and that is you have to move forward. Looking back only hurts us more. We just have to ensure we do not repeat the bad parts and we will thrive. I'm sure your brother has forgiven you so it is only right that you do so.

Thanks for joining the Tuesday Train. You can find the button on my sidebar. I hope to see you next week.

Nickie said...

I'm stopping by from FMBT, and from this post alone, I am following you now.

I lost my little brother on March 23, 2005... six days before my birthday. I didn't get to say goodbye, didn't get to tell him how much I loved him or how awesome I thought he was. All we got was a visit from the men in blue (USAF). And a letter.

He was 23 years old. The last thing I did before he died, was leave a voicemail message... a not too nice one. He wasn't answering his calls. I said things, not on voicemail thank God, that I didn't mean. And the next day, my baby brother was gone.

I know the pain you feel, all to well.

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