Tuesday, August 17, 2010

30 Days of Truth - Day 8

Day 8 - Someone who made your life hell.

Ok.. so this one is fairly easy.

There are/were 2 people in my life that made it difficult....Person number one.. Her name was Katrina.  She picked on me in high school.  I dreaded going to school every day because of her.  She decided that she was going to call me roach one day, and continued doing it throughout the school year.  She wrote in permanent marker on my locker ROACH... and filled my locker with shaving cream.  She threw pennies at my head...she found at least one thing about me every single day to make fun of .... one day I just couldn't take it anymore and we got into a fight.

Ok, now although I thought she was the devil at the time.... now that I look back on it, it really wasn't that bad. Yeah she did some mean and nasty things...teenage girls are really bad!  But hey it was for one year, and I haven't seen her since.

Person number 2.... My daughter's dad. I know this is really bad... but he is the only person I've ever truly hated in my entire life...  I left him 4 years ago.... we're STILL going to court to play his dumb games.  He fights me every step of the way on custody (even though I've already been awarded full physical and legal custody) but everyone knows he really doesn't care about seeing his daughter.  He's been out of state for almost 2 months now.  He hasn't called her or anything.  If he really cared about his kid he would stop chasing girls like a teenage boy and pay attention to her.

He hurts her...not physically, but emotionally he does, and watching that happen, and not being able to do anything about it... hurts me.  He threatens to call child services on me because apparently I'm an abusive mother (trust me.. I'm not)  Yes... I discipline my child, I want her to grow up with manners, and to act right.  I barely ever spank her.... only when I feel it's necessary.... Him on the other hand... he does nothing. There is no discipline when she goes to his house. No wonder he thinks I'm an abusive mother....I actually discipline my child.  I'm sorry... I'm definitely guilty.. take me to jail.. I discipline my child.

Oh and just wait until he gets wind of her calling my husband daddy....that's going to be a fun conversation to hear.... when I say conversation I mean him yelling at me and cussing me out.  It's not my fault that he abandoned his daughter, and she gave up on hoping that he would come back. It's not my fault that she wants a stable father figure in her life.  It's not my fault that her dad wants nothing to do with her....but it does hurt.

Now, to many people...all this may not seem bad enough for me to actually hate someone.. you're right it's not.  I would also like to inform you that he used to abuse me...still does in a way.   He choked me until I passed out when I was pregnant with my daughter, he would hit me, kick me, push me... you name it.. he did it.  Now, physical abuse I can handle.. bumps and bruises go away.  Yes, it hurts, but the pain eventually goes away.  It's the emotional abuse that really got to me.

Emotional scars are hard to get rid of.. and sometimes never go away.  I still carry many of mine, and sometimes they affect my marriage now.  I have the perfect marriage, I love my husband to death and he would never lay a hand on me or say a hurtful word.  But sometimes the scars that Jeff left behind affect what I do and say.  There are times I am very insecure about myself and about my husband.  I know...more than I know anything else in the world that he loves me and he wouldn't even look at another woman... but because of what Jeff did to me, every time he goes out with the guys or goes on an overnight for work I can't help but think... is he cheating on me?  Am I pretty enough for him? Am I good enough for him?  Maybe he found someone better than me?  Most times I believe that almost anyone could be better than me.  MY self esteem has been stripped down and stomped on so many times, and it's hard to build it back up again.

We're working on it though.  He always reassures me that I'm the most beautiful woman in the world and he loves me and only me.  He doesn't even have the desire to look at anyone else.

Ok, I know this is getting a little long, and I'm probably just rambling at this point.  The answer to the question of the day in a few words.. Jeff seriously messed up my life... Katrina...just prepared me for Jeff.  Someday I'll get over it all, and look back and think.... eh that wasn't so bad....


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